Although, many days I feel that I am so far removed from this...I still feel the need to post about it. Experiencing a devastating loss of our first baby keeps me so thankful for the two blessings that I hold today. My love for my two girls is so much deeper because of the loss and they are the picture of the Lord's faithfulness to us.
It has been a little over 3 years since we experienced our miscarriage. We have been so extremely blessed since that day. I have also been given the opportunity to comfort other friends through their devastating losses. It is something no one should have to go through. But I am so grateful for my faith in knowing that I will see my sweet baby again one day.
This evening, if you can, light a candle for all those women who were never able to meet their little ones or those who had to let them go way too soon.
Holding these babies close today and diligently thanking the Lord for them!
I will never forget you angel baby. You are forever in my heart and you are watching your sisters from a wonderful place.
Just wanted to remember my glory baby in heaven today. It has been 2 years since we lost her, but I'm thankful for this day today with my rainbow baby girl...(big girl now)! It has been the most glorious 13 almost 14 months of my life. God has blessed our family through Campbell. She shows us so much joy and helps us heal from that deep, intense pain that we felt not too long ago. She is the face of true redemption and hope. I have been shown grace in my suffering. She is my daily reminder of the Lord's faithfulness to me. God continues to use my experience for His glory...and He holds that sweet girl in His hands. My heart is full with what today means, and I know one day I will meet her and see her sweet face in heaven!
I am also asking that you join me in praying for a sweet friend that lost her baby girl just a few days ago. And if you know someone who is struggling with this, I am more than happy to offer my story and advice.
I am proud to say that my miscarriage did not define me...I overcame it (only through God's grace and comfort...and my husband, family, and friend's support),...and I am better because of it!
Excuse the pic, we spent the late afternoon at our cousin, Caleb's baseball game; it was too HOT and we were sweaty and miserable...lots of snowcones and ice kept us cool and hydrated!
God works in mysterious ways and I absolutely love it! Just when I start to get complacent, He gives me the opportunity to share Him and His faithfulness to me. I recently was emailed by an old high school friend who remembered about the miscarriage we had suffered. She, herself, has had a recent loss, and she came to me for advice and encouragement.
With Campbell just turning one, I have been looking and thinking back to what life was like just a little less than 2 years ago, when we first learned of our sweet angel baby...(actually Mother's Day 2010 is when I took that first positive pregnancy test). Little did we know that our time would be cut short and we would experience a devastating loss. The 2 year anniversary will be here in a little over a month, and while I do not like to remember that night, I do appreciate the experience and who it has made me, because without it, I would not have my rainbow baby, Campbell Grace.
I am so incredibly humbled to share my story and my road to healing...because it is only with His help and comfort that that happened. I am blessed through my very own tragedy, and I am constantly reminded of the Lord's faithfulness every time I get to share my experience; so I hope I am doing Him justice when I tell my story.
On that note, I hope to get a post up later tonight about Campbell turning ONE!
I finally did it! My story was just posted on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope website. I found this site just right after I miscarried when I was trying to find support and other stories of loss. This website was a huge blessing to me. I have been approached by more than one person about my loss and how my words have encouraged them. Jacob told me the day after our loss that God was going to use this horrible experience for His good. He has given me the chance to share my story with others and show them that He is the ultimate comforter and healer!
I don't claim the diagnosis of "miscarriage" over my life because I serve a God who is so much bigger than that. I do however put a face to the loss we experienced, the pain and the suffering. It was real and it was a huge part of my life. And I'm so thankful for the story of hope and redemption that has come from the brokenness.
Every time I look at the little ticker at the top of the screen reminding me how many days it's been since we lost our baby, it's it also a reminder of the joy that baby brought us, if only for a short time. And for those family members and close friends who actually read my blog, I realized something tonight when I was remembering this little one. Today would be the exact day in this pregnancy that I lost the baby in the last one. This exact day. It's amazing how God works. How awesome His timing is. How He constantly shows me that He is here with me. How He cares so deeply for me. How His love is shining through this new rainbow baby. How He is faithful and redeems. So with all that said, I am thankful to have had this experience. Our glory baby has ministered to our hearts more than most people we know. Our baby taught me I control nothing, even though I think I do. I couldn't protect or do anything different to save his/her life. I felt helpless, and it was good for me. God gave us hope through our tears. Hope that our little one is in heaven with our King, hope that out of pain comes a closer walk with Jesus and a hope of heaven.
I took these pictures tonight because it's all the physical reminder I have left of our glory baby. But what sweet reminders they are. And I lit a small candle in honor of McBaby and all the other angel babies out there. Thank you all for your love and support!
...i've been really wanting to create a nice, long post with lots of detail of how we are doing, but i'm still struggling to find the right words. one of these days i will have the words, but not right now. i have been pretty good, but still have my moments. just like tonight, with jacob out of town, i find myself alone again, and all i can think about is our sweet baby and the what if's and the fact that i would now be in my second trimester. it breaks my heart and always will. i miss our baby so much, more than anyone could even imagine. i've never experienced an ache or loss like this before.
i've been lifted up by so many people and couldn't ask for anything more, thank you all for letting us grieve and being patient with us as our hearts try to heal. here's a song that i first heard tonight called glory baby...it is a beautiful tribute to MY GLORY BABY MC!
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
there's still lots of tears with this post and hearing this song, but i know that God is holding those tears in his hands. those big hands that hold the world still hold my tears and he wants to. he can hold my tears while he holds my sweet baby. he loves us so much. what a great feeling to know.
i'm still praying for peace and comfort, please continue to do the same for me and jacob...
there are still no good words, and i find myself searching for the right ones all the time. i've had good days and bad days. none without thinking of our precious baby. you will probably find i take comfort in many poems and songs and many i plan on posting here. work is wonderful, keeps me preoccupied, days home alone which were supposed to be amazing; a time to rest and get ready for the baby are now just lonely and sad times for me. most days are not without tears, but i know that God is right here grieving with me. that i take comfort in.
here's a special poem i found which said a lot to me.
Just Those Few Weeks by Susan Erlin
For those few weeks- I had you to myself. And that seems too short of time To be changed so profoundly. In those few weeks- I came to know you... And to love you. You came to trust me with your life. Oh, what a life I had planned for you! Just those few weeks- When I lost you, I lost a lifetime of hopes,plans, dreams, and aspirations... A slice of my future simply vanished overnight. Just those few weeks- It wasn't enough time to convince others How special and important you were. How odd, a truly unique person has recently died And no one is mourning the passing. Just a mere few weeks- And no "normal" person would cry all night Over a tiny, unfinished baby, Or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day. No one would, so why am I? You were just those few weeks my little one You darted in and out of my life too quickly. But it seems that's all the time you needed To make my life so much richer- And give me a small glimpse of eternity
please continue your prayers for jacob and i. of course, i need them most. thank you for all your love and support.
a promise to me:
“Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”Psalm 71:20-21
i'm not sure exactly where to start or how i'm going to get through this. there will be lots of tears, and there already have been. i pray the Lord gives me the right words to say. late last friday night/early saturday morning we lost our sweet baby. we don't know why this has happened, but we know we have a precious angel looking over us now. my heart aches so bad for my baby. we had 10, almost 11 short weeks with him/her. it's crazy how attached you can get in such a short period of time. i was even already giving her a name in my head. and i say her, just because that was the only name i had come up with.
i have been leaning heavily on Jesus, my husband, our families, and friends during this time. we have truly been blessed with amazing people in our lives that have provided us with wisdom, strength, compassion, and mostly LOVE. i can't tell you how much this means to us.
i know that there is a reason that this has happened to us, but right now, it's really hard to see that. we just want our sweet baby to still be here. she was real. she had a heart beat. she had eyes, and organs growing. she was fine one day and gone the next. i'm not sure when this ache will go away.
i'm trying to find comfort in both the arms of Jesus, and the arms of my husband. jacob has set a great example and has been my rock through this. i can already feel that we have become closer, and i love him even more for his love and dedication to me. scripture and music have helped me as well. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." jacob really thinks that we will be able to help someone in the future because of our own struggle. he keeps reminding me that our sweet baby is not hurting, but is praising Jesus in heaven. she is going to be our little angel to watch over us.
thank you Jesus for being my Savior, my comforter, my healer, and carrying me in your arms during this time. may our hearts, our tears, our thoughts, our words, and our actions be a blessing to you in the midst of our suffering. you are my HOPE.
this song has been a blessing to me:
please continue to pray for jacob and i, as well as the rest of our family because this was going to be not only our first child, but a first grandbaby, greatgrandbaby, and niece/nephew. we will never forget you...
