sentimental

just feeling a little sentimental today because it's been 1 month since we lost our first baby forever.  i can't believe it's already been that long. i am just wondering how the little one would be doing if he/she were still here... would my tummy be growing? would we feel kicking yet? etc...

i'm so thankful that i am able to KNOW that our sweet baby is in heaven with Jesus, and there we will get to see him/her someday! if i didn't know that, i don't know how i would be at this point in my grieving process. i feel like i am grieving better and better everyday, if that is possible. it's just a different kind of grieving...it's not solid tears for days on end, but tears at the most random moments, when i least expect it. my heart still aches, but i have a feeling that the aching will never go away, it may just be hidden based on different circumstances.

 i am still praying for peace and comfort, which the Lord is so graciously giving me!!! i just can't wait for the day when this hurt turns to joy again! but in the meantime: i have this verse to rely on: And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

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...i've been really wanting to create a nice, long post with lots of detail of how we are doing, but i'm still struggling to find the right words. one of these days i will have the words, but not right now. i have been pretty good, but still have my moments. just like tonight, with jacob out of town, i find myself alone again, and all i can think about is our sweet baby and the what if's and the fact that i would now be in my second trimester. it breaks my heart and always will. i miss our baby so much, more than anyone could even imagine. i've never experienced an ache or loss like this before.
i've been lifted up by so many people and couldn't ask for anything more, thank you all for letting us grieve and being patient with us as our hearts try to heal. here's a song that i first heard tonight called glory baby...it is a beautiful tribute to MY GLORY BABY MC!

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

there's still lots of tears with this post and hearing this song, but i know that God is holding those tears in his hands. those big hands that hold the world still hold my tears and he wants to. he can hold my tears while he holds my sweet baby. he loves us so much. what a great feeling to know. 

i'm still praying for peace and comfort, please continue to do the same for me and jacob...

no good words

there are still no good words, and i find myself searching for the right ones all the time. i've had good days and bad days. none without thinking of our precious baby. you will probably find i take comfort in many poems and songs and many i plan on posting here. work is wonderful, keeps me preoccupied, days home alone which were supposed to be amazing; a time to rest and get ready for the baby are now just lonely and sad times for me. most days are not without tears, but i know that God is right here grieving with me. that i take comfort in.
here's a special poem i found which said a lot to me.

Just Those Few Weeks
by Susan Erlin

For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short of time
To be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks-
I came to know you... And to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks-
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
How special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
And no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny, unfinished baby,
Or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
To make my life so much richer-
And give me a small glimpse of eternity

please continue your prayers for jacob and i. of course, i need them most. thank you for all your love and support.

a promise to me:

“Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”   Psalm 71:20-21