Needing grace...

Yesterday was hard, y'all. A hard day of parenting my two year old and two month old. The morning though was perfect...we went to the splash park with some new friends in the neighborhood and their sweet kiddos. They had donuts and milk before playing at the playground for a little bit. And then we braved the splash pad, which was so much fun for Campbell, Liam, and Maddox. Ainsley wasn't so sure about it...and Callan slept almost the entire time! She was an angel.

I knew leaving would be hard, but when Campbell saw that Liam and Maddox were going home, she was ready to get out of her swimsuit and into dry clothes...but then she was insistent on going back to the playground. I thought, I will hop in the car to feed Callan, who was getting fussy at this time, let Cam watch a movie in the car, and then we would go play at the playground for a little bit longer. Well, Callan wasn't going to make that happen. She got so upset that she wouldn't even let me feed her. I had to disappoint Campbell and make her go home without playing. I told her we would try to go back in the evening when Daddy came home.

I stopped to get lunch, got the girls home, Campbell set down with lunch in front of her, and started nursing Callan. It went pretty smoothly...Campbell was pretty tired, and laid down for a nap without a problem. Callan also got sleepy and I thought, woohoo, I may even lay down while the girls nap! I did a few things before I tried to lay down next to Callan. She started to stir, and boom, it was all over. I tried to ward off the screaming by bouncing her pillow, but it didn't really help.

She continued to cry on and off the rest of the afternoon. Campbell woke up too early from her nap and was also pretty whiny and not her cheerful self. She also was pretty ornery.  I turned on a movie for Cam, while I attempted to get Callan to calm down. Eventually, after trying just about everything I could think of, she just plum wore herself out. By this time the movie was over and Campbell was getting into things she shouldn't and just overall not listening. I sent my lovely "help me" text to Daddy and waited for him to get home. It was the longest hour...I was trying to hold a sleeping baby, while constantly getting on to the two year old who just doesn't know when to stop. I finally made her go to her room and read her books to get a few minutes of quiet.

I hate the way I feel on these days. I'm angry, impatient, tired, and just not the mom I want to be. I need Jesus more than anything on these days. I need His grace. I hate that during these moments, I couldn't just stop and ask Him for help. I try to do it all on my own, and we all know how that turns out.

Fast forward, to Daddy getting home...we decided we would go out to eat and then take Campbell to the park. In the car on the way to the restaurant I silently prayed that I would have an attitude change. That Jesus would change my heart towards my girls. That from this time on, I would be a more understanding and patient mom. I thanked Him for His grace and love.

Campbell continued to disobey us during dinner, and instead of going to the park, we went straight home. She cried and cried, but I hope that showing discipline with her will get her to understand the consequences to her actions. She's only two, but she knows right and wrong and she knows when she's pushing my buttons. It was hard to not just take her to play after the day we had, but she was fine once we got home and ready for bed. It was all forgotten. I'm so thankful to experience that forgiveness of a child. She hugged and kissed me goodnight and it made my night a little better. She knows I love her, but she was ready to have Daddy put her to bed, not me! Haha....we both needed that alone time.

Callan slept from 9:30 pm to 3 am, and was up again at 6:15. Not our normal night routine...I'm praying for a better day. Campbell got to go to school while I am going to focus on my baby girl and cleaning up the house before some doctor appointments this afternoon.

I need Jesus today and everyday. I need Him desperately. I can't do this whole mom thing on my own. I don't have it all together. But He does and He covers me in grace everyday. I get fed up with my inability to get things done, my own imperfections, my ugly heart, but He's got me covered. Some days are really good, and others I need Him to carry me through each hour. I'm so thankful I can ask Him to do that. I can trust that He will.

I may not have this whole mom of two thing figured out yet perfectly, but I love my girls immeasurably. I may not have everything together, but I don't waste my time pretending like I do either. And I may beat myself up daily for how I'm doing, but God loves me and has this covered. Grace upon grace, thank you Jesus.

Yesterday was hard, but I have faith...today will be better. The hard days make the good days even better!

Callan - Two Months Old

Well, here we are again. My littlest love is now two months old. She is such a sweet baby. These last few weeks she has started smiling and cooing. Those baby grins just melt me. Nothing will make a momma feel better than her baby girl smiling at her. Even her big sister will melt my heart with her gorgeous smile! Daddy says their smiles are contagious...he smiles every time they smile at him! It's so true.

Callan at 2 months old: 

Weight: 13 lb 14 oz (95th %)

Height: 22.8 inches (67th %)

Head: 15.5 inches (83rd %)

You are wearing size 2 diapers and 3-6 month clothes. You are super chunky, bigger than your sister was at this age. You have slept 8+ hours for 3 or 4 nights and have slept 5-6 hours at night for a few weeks now. You are enjoying more play time on your owl playmat. I've been trying desperately to get you to take a pacifier. Mostly you won't take it...I've only been successful a handful of times. Also, you are refusing a bottle pretty much these days....which stresses me out a bit. You had been taking one so well. You like to nap in mommy's arms...and I'm soaking it in when I can. This month we plan on moving you into your crib...hard to believe it's already time to put the bassinet away. We have had some rough hours almost daily. Just fussy time. It's hard to not be able to comfort you. I wish you were better at self-soothing. I'm getting ready to go back to work in a few weeks. Just a couple shifts a month will be my new schedule, so I'm kinda getting the best of both worlds. I get to be a 95% stay at home mommy and get to keep up with my nursing license. It's pretty much God showing favor. I am so blessed!

My girls, yes, they look alike....

For those of you who were curious if my girls looked alike at this age...here are a few collages I put together from when both girls were born, and around 6 weeks of age. Yes, they look so much alike, but I am finally starting to see small, subtle differences in Callan as she's getting older. Love, love, love these girls more than they will ever know. Such blessings to me!

Callan's Newborn Shoot

We are super lucky to have Aunt Casey take our pictures all the time! When Campbell was born, she took a few pictures, but had not done many newborns at that point. But now, she's a pro. And while I must admit, she is definitely more comfortable in her own studio, she made this shoot work with what we had at the house. She even went out of the way to get some goodies/props for Callan's pics. Her and Aric worked really hard to get the shots. They worked around a house full of people and a crazy 2 year old trying to tear down the back drop constantly; not ideal conditions. I'm just so thankful for them and the special memories they capture through their cameras.

Here are a few of my favorites! All pics courtesy of my sister, Casey Lampert of Aric + Casey Photography.

Precious Callan! 

 

This pic makes me laugh because I know it was a fluke, but it looks like she is making it on purpose, like she has a sense of humor! 

Callan's Birth Story

Gosh, it's been 6 weeks since my littlest love was born, and I'm just now sitting down to write this. I don't want to forget just how our sweet baby girl came into this world.

Sunday June 16, 2013...just so happened to be our 6th Anniversary and Father's Day. From the moment I knew Callan's due date, I prayed that she wouldn't come as early as my anniversary. Sorry, that's me being selfish, but I wanted that day to be just about Jacob and myself. She could come any other day!

Well, this Sunday we went to watch my cousin Caleb play a baseball game since it was close to us in McKinney. It was HOT, and I had to walk a long way to get to the ball field. My back/left hip was killing me. But Campbell wanted to go so bad and I thought why not. My parents and grandparents were all there too, so we decided to go have lunch afterwards to celebrate our guys! After lunch, we went home and Campbell took a nap...and I may have too! The rest of the afternoon/evening was pretty uneventful...wasn't having any out of the ordinary contractions or anything that made me think I would be going into labor that night.

While I was putting Campbell to bed, I always sit on the edge of her bed when I tuck her in, I stood up to turn off the light and my water broke (around 7:45). Yeah, I was pretty confident it was my water and I didn't just pee on myself! I quietly walked into the living room and asked Jacob to finish putting Campbell to bed because I thought my water just broke and I needed to call the doctor and see what to do. AAAHHHH....I was freaking out just a little bit. This was pretty early...and I was NOT ready! I called my parents, who luckily weren't all the way home in Fort Worth and told them to head back this way. They were eating dinner, so they scarfed down their food and hopped back in the car. I ran around the house trying to get things ready and my heart was racing knowing this would be the last time I would be in the house with only 1 daughter. Jacob packed up some things, go the car seat ready, made a few phone calls, and we were off to the hospital as soon as my parents arrived.

It was around 8:30 or so by the time we got to the hospital and it took a while to get changed, paperwork completed, and the IVstarted/bloodwork drawn. I started pretty much where I had been for the last week, 2 cm dilated and 80% effaced. I wasn't having very strong contractions, so we waited a while to see if my body would go ahead and go into labor on its own before starting pitocin. My contractions became stronger, but they were slow going and weren't making me progress very fast. I decided to let the nurse start a very small amount of pitocin, probably around 11 pm. It wasn't in for a full hour before my contractions were really strong and hurting pretty good. I went ahead and decided it was time for the epidural (I was 5cm at this point)....which seemed like it took forever to get because labor was getting intense.

I finally got the epidural between 12:30 and 1 am and got to relax. Jacob and I both tried to sleep, but it was hard! He eventually had to just get up and go walk around and find some coffee. Around 2 or so my sister showed up. Yes, her and Aric drove all night from Lubbock to be there! What a sweet sister/aunt to my girls she is! Around 3:30 or 4 am the nurse checked me again and I was at 8 cm and 100%, so it wouldn't be long until I was going to meet miss Callan. We called my mom who was at my house and told her to come to the hospital. I'm so thankful we live so close to it. Aric stayed at the house with Campbell. My dad who waited all night, had to get up around 4 to head off to work to get things squared away before he could come back. I wished he could have waited just a little bit longer. Callan was definitely on her own time! By 4:30 I was feeling like I needed to push, but was told not to! They checked to see her sweet little head and started rushing around the room setting things up. The doctor, not my normal OB once again, walked into the room, got gowned up, and told me to push. I pushed twice, and my sweet baby girl was born at 4:49 am on June 17, 2013!!!! Not on my anniversary! On her own special day!

Jacob and I let my mom and sister stay in the room to see her birth. I'm so thankful for that for two reasons. Casey took the sweetest pictures of her birth, and it was sweet to see their reactions. Jacob got to just be in the moment with me, not having to take pictures with our camera.

I cried as soon as I saw her. She looked so much like Campbell. She was absolutely gorgeous. She was bright eyed...screaming, had a head full of dark hair, and was just a miracle. The doctor was sweet and said I made it look easy, not to tell my friends how easy it was for me...for this I am incredibly thankful. The rest of the morning is a little bit of a blur...I was exhausted. We stayed in the delivery room for a couple more hours, her pediatrician came and checked her out, my mom and sister went home to be with Campbell, I ate breakfast, Jacob slept on the couch, and I nursed Callan. We moved to the post-partum room and I got a few hours of sleep while Jacob went home to take and shower and be with Campbell. He wanted to be the one to bring her in to meet Callan for the first time.

Once again, Casey got pictures of Campbell meeting Callan! And Aric took video. They are both priceless. My heart was so full holding both of my girls in my arms. I thanked God for them once again, right then and there. Jacob's parents drove from Brownfield early that morning and came to meet Callan, as well as Aric, JJ and her boys, and my sweet friend Carrie. It was a blur of a day, but because she was nursing so well and I was feeling fine, we stayed that night, and were able to go home the next day! I know there are lots of little things I'm forgetting, but I had another wonderful experience with the nurses, doctors, and the hospital. I'm so thankful for a quick and healthy delivery.

Callan Blair is such a blessing to us already. Her big sister adores her, for the most part, and her daddy and I are cherishing these moments of holding this sweet baby girl. Because before we know it she will be as big as her sister, and I will wonder where the time has gone.

Enjoy the pictures Aunt Casey took...

My heart is exploding as I look at these pics! Now I need to get on the ball and make Callan a birth story book like I did Campbell. My next post will be Callan's newborn pics. Not that she's a newborn anymore, she's a chunky 6 week old, but her pics are so so sweet! Yes, I'm slower this go around, but I'm getting them posted as soon as I can! This mom of 2 thing is hard work! And I'm not quite the best at it yet.