I knew leaving would be hard, but when Campbell saw that Liam and Maddox were going home, she was ready to get out of her swimsuit and into dry clothes...but then she was insistent on going back to the playground. I thought, I will hop in the car to feed Callan, who was getting fussy at this time, let Cam watch a movie in the car, and then we would go play at the playground for a little bit longer. Well, Callan wasn't going to make that happen. She got so upset that she wouldn't even let me feed her. I had to disappoint Campbell and make her go home without playing. I told her we would try to go back in the evening when Daddy came home.
I stopped to get lunch, got the girls home, Campbell set down with lunch in front of her, and started nursing Callan. It went pretty smoothly...Campbell was pretty tired, and laid down for a nap without a problem. Callan also got sleepy and I thought, woohoo, I may even lay down while the girls nap! I did a few things before I tried to lay down next to Callan. She started to stir, and boom, it was all over. I tried to ward off the screaming by bouncing her pillow, but it didn't really help.
She continued to cry on and off the rest of the afternoon. Campbell woke up too early from her nap and was also pretty whiny and not her cheerful self. She also was pretty ornery. I turned on a movie for Cam, while I attempted to get Callan to calm down. Eventually, after trying just about everything I could think of, she just plum wore herself out. By this time the movie was over and Campbell was getting into things she shouldn't and just overall not listening. I sent my lovely "help me" text to Daddy and waited for him to get home. It was the longest hour...I was trying to hold a sleeping baby, while constantly getting on to the two year old who just doesn't know when to stop. I finally made her go to her room and read her books to get a few minutes of quiet.
I hate the way I feel on these days. I'm angry, impatient, tired, and just not the mom I want to be. I need Jesus more than anything on these days. I need His grace. I hate that during these moments, I couldn't just stop and ask Him for help. I try to do it all on my own, and we all know how that turns out.
Fast forward, to Daddy getting home...we decided we would go out to eat and then take Campbell to the park. In the car on the way to the restaurant I silently prayed that I would have an attitude change. That Jesus would change my heart towards my girls. That from this time on, I would be a more understanding and patient mom. I thanked Him for His grace and love.
Campbell continued to disobey us during dinner, and instead of going to the park, we went straight home. She cried and cried, but I hope that showing discipline with her will get her to understand the consequences to her actions. She's only two, but she knows right and wrong and she knows when she's pushing my buttons. It was hard to not just take her to play after the day we had, but she was fine once we got home and ready for bed. It was all forgotten. I'm so thankful to experience that forgiveness of a child. She hugged and kissed me goodnight and it made my night a little better. She knows I love her, but she was ready to have Daddy put her to bed, not me! Haha....we both needed that alone time.
Callan slept from 9:30 pm to 3 am, and was up again at 6:15. Not our normal night routine...I'm praying for a better day. Campbell got to go to school while I am going to focus on my baby girl and cleaning up the house before some doctor appointments this afternoon.
I need Jesus today and everyday. I need Him desperately. I can't do this whole mom thing on my own. I don't have it all together. But He does and He covers me in grace everyday. I get fed up with my inability to get things done, my own imperfections, my ugly heart, but He's got me covered. Some days are really good, and others I need Him to carry me through each hour. I'm so thankful I can ask Him to do that. I can trust that He will.
I may not have this whole mom of two thing figured out yet perfectly, but I love my girls immeasurably. I may not have everything together, but I don't waste my time pretending like I do either. And I may beat myself up daily for how I'm doing, but God loves me and has this covered. Grace upon grace, thank you Jesus.
Yesterday was hard, but I have faith...today will be better. The hard days make the good days even better!
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