my angel...

I received the most amazing gift today from a dear, sweet friend, Heather! I met Heather and her husband, Jason, on their first day at our church, Providence. They also are in our homegroup as well, and our friendship has been so amazing. I love how the Lord puts people in our lives at the right time. I believe that Heather and Jason were totally given to us by the Lord!
I mentioned one Sunday to Heather about how much I loved her necklace. This was right after we found out that we lost our baby. In her thoughtfulness of me and my already deep love I had for my child, she gave me her necklace with a few additions...I cannot explain what wearing these necklaces will mean to me. While it doesn't replace my baby, it does help me heal and be proud to say I have an angel baby in Heaven! Thank you so much Heather!!! This gift means the world to me. I love you!

I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

This first necklace was the one she was actually wearing at church, she added the sweet charm with the date I miscarried and the word angel. So sweet. 

This second necklace she made with a little bit bigger charm, same wording, but alone, so I could wear it whenever I wanted. I have a feeling one of them will always be on me!

I've prayed about posting the events of the actual day I miscarried. Right now, I feel that it is still too hard for me to completely write out. I still have nightmares of that horrible night. It was a night when I was all alone, scared, confused, and devastated. That night turned into an early morning...so technically the date on the necklace could be the 25th or the 26th. I'm pretty sure I knew most of the day on the 25th I was losing the baby, but not until that night did I physically miscarry. I was in the ER from about 1:30 am - 4:30 am on the 26th. So I consider the last day with my baby to be the 25th. That day will forever be a sad day for me...

But for now, I am so thankful to Heather who has given me such a sweet reminder of my precious one. My angel baby will forever be in my heart, and now around my neck for others to see! 

concert going with the 'rents

I told you guys I would post pics of the Brad Paisley/Darius Rucker concert that we went to a few weekends ago with my parents. We had fun, but it was HOT! I've never sweated so much just sitting in a chair...

Our favorite by far was Darius Rucker who is formerly Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish! There aren't many good pics of the performers, but I got lots of us and that's all that really counts. 

I love my mom and dad! I'm so happy that they aren't too far away, and that they love to do things like going to concerts...I don't know where I would be in this journey without both of them. They have cried with me, laughed with me, and given me so much love and wisdom. They are enjoying these moments of "just the two of them" like I mentioned in my last post. They have gotten both daughters married off and are enjoying being by themselves again...but I know they can't wait for the day to love on a new grandbaby. And, Lord willing, that will happen one of these days. They will be amazing grandparents!

Enjoy the pics!

My mom & dad: Bruce & Marcy

Jacob & I

Me & mom, love that sunflair!

Darius!!!

We are sooooo hot, sweating with red faces, nice look!

And a random shot of the cake I made mom, dad, and mo for their birthday celebration! 

Thank you to everyone who reads my blog and encourages me everyday to continue. I love you all!

my joy!

I'm writing today because I feel lead to. I had a much needed heart to heart this morning with my Creator and I want to share that with all of you! As many of you know the last 2 months since my miscarriage, I have grieved…privately and publicly. Many days have been filled with tears, but not just tears, actual weeping, for our loss. There have been so many questions and doubts. I try to be faithful and rely on my Lord, but I feel that in my deepest, darkest moments, I have been attacked by the enemy. My head and heart have been filled with lies and heartache. I have not fully handed this loss over to God. 

I want to do that now…or well, I did it this morning. I realize that God did not do this to me, but He IS there with me, weeping and comforting me. He is holding our sweet baby and knows them by name, even when we don't. He rejoices in my baby, and He promises to bring joy after our suffering. 

I feel like I have made this situation more about me, selfishly, than it should be. I realize that I should grieve for my child, and rightfully so, but I should quit feeling sorry for myself. There are many people involved in this loss other than me. My husband lost his first child, my parents lost their first grandbaby, my sister lost her first niece or nephew, my grandmother lost her first great-grandbaby, and so forth and so on. I apologize for making this more about my loss than any others. I love you all and can't wait for the day when we all will get that first. Well, but it won't be first, because we will never forget our first. It will be our first living, redeeming rainbow baby! Just thinking of that day makes me smile. Jesus gives me the thoughts of that day and brings me peace and comfort of the things to come. 

So on to the real purpose of this post, Jesus really opened my eyes this morning on my way to work. As I was enjoying the fact that I LOVE driving to work, LOVE my job/career, and I LOVE my Jesus, He laid something on my heart. In the stillness of the morning, I was actually walking into the hospital, facing the sunrise, and He spoke to me. He showed me what I can rejoice and be happy in during this time in my life when all I have been is sad and angry. Even if I feel like many days I can't or don't want to go on, I need to, because I have my purpose here. It's nothing new, I do it everyday, but God showed me that I need to be a light for Him through my compassion and love for children. He made me see that my job and my relationships with my patients are the things I need to be happy in. I have been unbelievably blessed by my new job, and wouldn't want to do anything else right now. My babies right now, are the sweet little ones and big ones that I care for everyday. 

He also showed me that the moments Jacob and I have right now, alone together are precious and sweet. One day it won't be just the two of us. And I haven't even thought about how it would be when it's not just us to worry about. Maybe God's preparing me for that :) He's wanting me enjoy the life I have now before He blesses us with one of our own. For now, Duke is taking all the spoiling. He has been an incredible puppy dog. His love for us and our love for him is something to take joy in. 

He made me think of my family and friends that have been blessings to me. We wouldn't be here today without all your love, prayers, friendship, support, and understanding. YOU all are what makes me happy! 

He reminded me of His own love and the sacrifice He made for me. He told me I am never alone in my suffering. He tells me He has plans and hope for my future. He provides grace and mercy when I need it most. He forgives…and REDEEMS! Thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus!

I feel like He has given me peace and calmed my fears for the future. He promises me that He is right beside me at all times. He knows the desires and needs of my heart even when I don't or can't express them. My flesh wants to worry about what will happen the next time or if there will be a next time, but I know that I must have faith in my Jesus and the plans He has for me and Jacob. I just pray that I can be who he wants and needs me to be for Him throughout my life. No doubt I will fail, but his forgiveness and faithfulness will see me through! 

Thank you Jesus for speaking to me and showing me that there are so many joys in my life despite my current situation of despair. I will rejoice in YOU and the blessings you have given me. 

I'll leave you with a song by Dave Barnes that has meant a lot to me lately…

lyrics:

We will have love, we will have pain 
There will be days and days and days that feel the same 
We will have fear, we will have joy 
And maybe little girls and little boys 


We will have friends, we will have peace 
There will be nights of lights and music 'til you sleep 
We will be strong, we will still break 
We'll live through so much more than we could take 

Amen Amen 
With the dawn, we all begin again 
Amen Amen 
What is done, and yet to come 
Amen 

We will have hope, we will have doubt 
There will be memories we could never live without 
We will have tears, but there will be grace 
There will be prayers that we never thought we'd pray 

Amen Amen 
With the dawn, we all begin again 
Amen Amen 
What is done, and yet to come 
Amen 

In the sun or the storms, the flood or the flames 
Let everything come, and I'm the one to blame 
In heartache or hope I swear I'll say, I'll say 

Amen Amen 
With the dawn, we all begin again 
Amen Amen 
What is done, and yet to come 
Amen

love you guys!

my new normal...a constant aching in my heart...

i've been hurting a lot lately. my heart physically aches. i thought it would get easier, but lately i've been super emotional and cannot go an hour without thinking about our precious baby and the what if's. all around me, my friends are pregnant or having babies, and that is what i want more than anything. it's been a confusing and trying time. i'm just not sure where my heart is. sometimes it feels like it's in a deep, dark hole with no way out. i've gotten a few books that i have been reading about miscarriage and infant loss. they have helped me pray prayers to God when i didn't have the words. i also have special family and friends who continually pray for me. i'm needing it more now than i have been. i haven't been sleeping well, so pray that God will comfort me so that i can get a restful sleep.

we are really close to being able to start TTC (trying to conceive) again. i am ready for that, and hopefully God will redeem what is lost in our lives through a rainbow baby! i've found a really cool blog called faces of loss, faces of hope, click the button to the right below to get there. i feel very strongly about submitting my picture and information. i want to have my story out there and be a glimmer of hope for someone else who may be going through what i am. i haven't decided if i do it now or at a later date, when we are blessed with a baby, but it will be a goal of mine to get done. 

i want to leave you all with a letter that a mother wrote to her angel daughter up in heaven after dealing with her loss...it kinda feels like where i am at the moment. sorry for some of the "graphicness of it, but we're all adults here, and yes it happens this way occasionally."

Dear Stevie,
Sometimes I feel like I've recently mastered a whole new language. No, not Chinese. No, not Spanish (two years in middle school and four years in high school, and I still can't do more than tell you my name and that "I am wearing a blue shirt"). No. The language I now consider myself fluent in is the language of Baby Loss.

The Secret Land of Baby Loss really is it's own little world. When I first entered this place, it took me awhile to figure out what was going on, what all these "rainbows" and "triggers" and "new normals" were about.

So I figured someone should come up with a little glossary of commonly used terms for this place. A crash-course for new residents and foreigners alike. Rosetta Stone for the language of Baby Loss, if you will.

Here it is.

Rainbow baby: Contrary to what you might assume, a rainbow baby is not a baby whose parents do not care to find out the gender (you know, like they don't care if it's pink or blue...or purple or yellow...). A rainbow baby is not the child of gay or lesbian parents. It's not just a particularily bright and cheery child either. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a loss. A "rainbow" after the horrible storm that is having your child die. A rainbow baby will never "replace" your lost child (a fact that certain friends and family will remind you of on many, many occasions), but it will help patch up the hole in your heart that they left behind.

Noun: "I am really hoping I get my rainbow baby soon!"

Eventually, you're desire for one of these "rainbow babies" will almost certainly turn into an obsession. When (not if) it does, you'll need to become familiar with the following terms:

• TTC: Trying to conceive. You may think how do you really "try" for a baby? I mean besides the obvious. There are more ways than you could ever imagine. Handstands, butt-propping pillows, lube that comes with plastic "applicators" that can only be described as little plastic turkey basters. While "TTC," you may find yourself eating the cores of pineapples, trading your evening wine for a nice big glass of raspberry leaf tea, and talking about your "cervical mucus" as if it were a normal, everyday topic of conversation.

• 2ww: The two week wait. The approximately 14-day time period between Oing (ovulating) and getting AF (the evil Ant Flow, your period) or a BFP (big fat positive). It's called the 2ww, but it always ends up being more like an 8-day wait, because you'll no doubt start taking pregnancy tests everyday, using FMU (first morning urine), of course, starting at about 8DPO (days past ovulation).

Triggers. No, this has nothing to do with guns. In the Secret Land of Baby Loss, triggers are the little, everyday moments that "trigger" you to think about your lost baby and get really, really sad. These can be big, obvious things like holding a newborn, or finding yet another Babies R Us coupon in your mailbox, or smaller, less conspicuous things like eating a food you remember eating while pregnant, or hearing someone talk about their child's upcoming first day of kindergarten. Triggers are unavoidable and can (and will) strike at any time. You can do your best to stay clear of places and situations where you know they'll be present (baby showers and first birthday parties are a good place to start), but they will still find you, often when you least expect it.

Noun: "My triggers include little girls with curly hair and babies with blue eyes."

The New Normal. After the initial 4-6 weeks after losing your baby, you'll most likely to go back to some sort of daily routine. You'll greatly resemble a normal human being, but you'll never be the same again. Your life as you know it will be forever changed. In this new life of yours, it will be "normal" to wake up crying most mornings. It will be "normal" to keep your eyes peeled to the ground when you walk through Target so that you don't accidentally catch a glimpse of a pregnant lady. It will be "normal" to feel a slight ache in your heart from the minute you wake up, to the moment you go to sleep at night. All of these things will become "normal," everyday occurrences, nothing more unusual than brushing your teeth or taking the dogs on a walk. Take a shower. Cry yourself to sleep. It's all just a part of your "new normal."

Noun: "Resisting the urge to bring up my dead daughter in every conversation I have is just a part of my new normal."

Angelversary: The day your child went to heaven and "became an angel." Even if you're not into the whole angel thing, calling that day their "Angelversary" sounds much better than calling it what it is: their "death day." The frequency at which you "celebrate" Angelversaries will vary as time goes on. Right after your baby dies, you will probably think of each day as its own Angelversary ("today is my baby's six-day Angelversary.") Eventually, it might change to remembering your baby's weekly Angelversary. Then, maybe monthly. One thing is certain: you will never, ever forget it.

Noun: "I can't believe Stevie's three-month Angelversary is coming up already."

What other terms should be added, dear readers?

Baby girl, I'm missing you bad tonight. Why couldn't I be mastering the language of "mommyhood" right now? I want to be an expert in Breastfeeding and Baby wearing and Elimination Communication. I want you here with me.

I love you.

Mom

so, now you know where my head and heart are at. please pray for this aching to dull even a little bit. by the way, more and more props to my husband everyday for the gentle, loving kindness he shows to me. he doesn't understand how i'm feeling, but i couldn't ask him to be more loving than he is right now. as a matter of fact, we are about to go on a date...dinner and a movie...and it was his idea! love you jacob! and love to you all who are staying updated with me and our story.

maybe next week i will post some pics of us and my parents at the Brad Paisley/Darius Rucker concert...

Duke turns 2

Happy Birthday to my first baby, Duke! (Well, his actual birthday was on Monday, the 2nd, but we all celebrate birthdays on days other than the real day, right? Makes me feel like a bad mommy for putting it off, but he'll never even know!)
He is the cutest boxer boy you will ever see and he melts my heart all the time. It's amazing how the love of a puppy dog can make you smile and pick you up when you are down. Jacob and I have really been blessed with the best dog in the whole world!
I picked up a cute little doggie treat called the bulldog bone at this place called Three Dog Bakery in Plano. What a cool store! I'll let you enjoy the pics I took of him eating it!

He wanted that bone so bad!

It looked good enough for me to eat!

2 year old puppy dog! 

I can never get a good pic of us, but here's the one that isn't blurry!

LOL, it was so good!

His tongue was going non stop, not used to licking that icing! Yummy!

I wanted to buy him a cute birthday hat, but knew his daddy wouldn't go for it, so the only thing he got was the bone. But a yummy bone it was! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUKE! WE LOVE YOU!

footprints...

I've got so much to say, but continue to struggle with the right words. My heart is sad. With so many good and happy things happening around me, I remain sad. My heart still hurts. I've got to come to terms that there will always be a part of my heart that won't ever be completely healed, and I will probably think of our first baby at least once every single day.  I'm waiting, probably not very patiently, on the Lord and His plan for my life. I want to be a mom, I want to hold a sweet baby in my arms and love him or her so much that I couldn't imagine life without them, because right now I'm having to experience that life without them, and it's awful. I can't bring myself to take down the only picture we have of our baby. It's sitting in the living room for everyone to see. It's our daily reminder of our loss and heartache, but I just can't take it down because it is also a reminder of the love and joy that sweet one brought to me and Jacob.

For now, I'm finding comfort in sweet words like these:

"These are my footprints, 

so perfect and so small. 

These tiny footprints 

never touched the ground at all. 

Not one tiny footprint, 

for now I have wings. 

These tiny footprints were meant 

for other things. 

You will hear my tiny footprints, 

in the patter of the rain. 

Gentle drops like angel's tears, 

of joy and not from pain. 

You will see my tiny footprints, 

in each butterflies' lazy dance. 

I'll let you know I'm with you, 

if you just give me the chance. 

You will see my tiny footprints, 

in the rustle of the leaves. 

I will whisper names into the wind, 

and call each one that grieves. 

Most of all, these tiny footprints, 

are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts. 

'Cause even though I'm gone now, 

We'll never truly part." 

~Unknown

I also just want to write a little note of thanks to my husband. 

Thank you for being amazing...

We have been through so much in the 9 years we have been together. I know that this is probably the hardest thing we have ever had to deal with. I am so lucky to have someone like you. You are stronger than you will ever know and if I didn't have you to lean on throughout all of this, I would have fallen apart. I don't how I could have made it through this without your love and support. You have grown into a wonderful man of God and you are going to make an amazing father.

Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on. Thank you for being there for me every second. Thank you for my being my rock and giving me hope for the future. Thank you for telling me that our sweet baby isn't hurting and is in the most incredible place ever, the arms of Jesus. Thank you for being strong for me and for us. Thank you for crying with me. Thank you for making me feel like the luckiest woman in this world. Thank you for being such a supportive husband. Thank you for being so amazing.

I love you more than you know… 

This love for my husband has grown so much over the past month. I feel like in this experience of a m/c I have learned to love deeper.  I know that God is really teaching me that through the trials and struggles that we go through in this life, He is always there and He loves us so much. I want to love with this love. Thank you God for showing us this great unconditional love, sending your son to die for us. We don't deserve it, but you give it anyway! 

Keep praying for us, we feel it, and we need it! 

Vacation to Branson

We vacationed to Branson last week with the McFarland side of the family! What a great time we had! 18 people enjoyed the lake, scenery, and just hanging out! Just wanted to post a few pics of our wonderful trip!

Aaron and Papa Kermit on the computer

Jacob and his Granny Nell

Captain Jake! So handsome...

Jim and Sherri, Jacob's aunt and uncle.

Me and my love...we had so much fun, we want a boat of our own!

Jacob's parents...Ray and Suzanne

Granny Nell and Jim 

Sherri and Kaitlyn

Isaac and Ethan, Jacob's cousins

We unfortunately didn't get any pics with Elizabeth and the boys. I took my camera out one day the entire time we were there. So sorry we didn't get any more except for one boat ride. We had such a wonderful time and a tan to prove it :)