my joy!

I'm writing today because I feel lead to. I had a much needed heart to heart this morning with my Creator and I want to share that with all of you! As many of you know the last 2 months since my miscarriage, I have grieved…privately and publicly. Many days have been filled with tears, but not just tears, actual weeping, for our loss. There have been so many questions and doubts. I try to be faithful and rely on my Lord, but I feel that in my deepest, darkest moments, I have been attacked by the enemy. My head and heart have been filled with lies and heartache. I have not fully handed this loss over to God. 

I want to do that now…or well, I did it this morning. I realize that God did not do this to me, but He IS there with me, weeping and comforting me. He is holding our sweet baby and knows them by name, even when we don't. He rejoices in my baby, and He promises to bring joy after our suffering. 

I feel like I have made this situation more about me, selfishly, than it should be. I realize that I should grieve for my child, and rightfully so, but I should quit feeling sorry for myself. There are many people involved in this loss other than me. My husband lost his first child, my parents lost their first grandbaby, my sister lost her first niece or nephew, my grandmother lost her first great-grandbaby, and so forth and so on. I apologize for making this more about my loss than any others. I love you all and can't wait for the day when we all will get that first. Well, but it won't be first, because we will never forget our first. It will be our first living, redeeming rainbow baby! Just thinking of that day makes me smile. Jesus gives me the thoughts of that day and brings me peace and comfort of the things to come. 

So on to the real purpose of this post, Jesus really opened my eyes this morning on my way to work. As I was enjoying the fact that I LOVE driving to work, LOVE my job/career, and I LOVE my Jesus, He laid something on my heart. In the stillness of the morning, I was actually walking into the hospital, facing the sunrise, and He spoke to me. He showed me what I can rejoice and be happy in during this time in my life when all I have been is sad and angry. Even if I feel like many days I can't or don't want to go on, I need to, because I have my purpose here. It's nothing new, I do it everyday, but God showed me that I need to be a light for Him through my compassion and love for children. He made me see that my job and my relationships with my patients are the things I need to be happy in. I have been unbelievably blessed by my new job, and wouldn't want to do anything else right now. My babies right now, are the sweet little ones and big ones that I care for everyday. 

He also showed me that the moments Jacob and I have right now, alone together are precious and sweet. One day it won't be just the two of us. And I haven't even thought about how it would be when it's not just us to worry about. Maybe God's preparing me for that :) He's wanting me enjoy the life I have now before He blesses us with one of our own. For now, Duke is taking all the spoiling. He has been an incredible puppy dog. His love for us and our love for him is something to take joy in. 

He made me think of my family and friends that have been blessings to me. We wouldn't be here today without all your love, prayers, friendship, support, and understanding. YOU all are what makes me happy! 

He reminded me of His own love and the sacrifice He made for me. He told me I am never alone in my suffering. He tells me He has plans and hope for my future. He provides grace and mercy when I need it most. He forgives…and REDEEMS! Thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus!

I feel like He has given me peace and calmed my fears for the future. He promises me that He is right beside me at all times. He knows the desires and needs of my heart even when I don't or can't express them. My flesh wants to worry about what will happen the next time or if there will be a next time, but I know that I must have faith in my Jesus and the plans He has for me and Jacob. I just pray that I can be who he wants and needs me to be for Him throughout my life. No doubt I will fail, but his forgiveness and faithfulness will see me through! 

Thank you Jesus for speaking to me and showing me that there are so many joys in my life despite my current situation of despair. I will rejoice in YOU and the blessings you have given me. 

I'll leave you with a song by Dave Barnes that has meant a lot to me lately…

lyrics:

We will have love, we will have pain 
There will be days and days and days that feel the same 
We will have fear, we will have joy 
And maybe little girls and little boys 


We will have friends, we will have peace 
There will be nights of lights and music 'til you sleep 
We will be strong, we will still break 
We'll live through so much more than we could take 

Amen Amen 
With the dawn, we all begin again 
Amen Amen 
What is done, and yet to come 
Amen 

We will have hope, we will have doubt 
There will be memories we could never live without 
We will have tears, but there will be grace 
There will be prayers that we never thought we'd pray 

Amen Amen 
With the dawn, we all begin again 
Amen Amen 
What is done, and yet to come 
Amen 

In the sun or the storms, the flood or the flames 
Let everything come, and I'm the one to blame 
In heartache or hope I swear I'll say, I'll say 

Amen Amen 
With the dawn, we all begin again 
Amen Amen 
What is done, and yet to come 
Amen

love you guys!