footprints...

I've got so much to say, but continue to struggle with the right words. My heart is sad. With so many good and happy things happening around me, I remain sad. My heart still hurts. I've got to come to terms that there will always be a part of my heart that won't ever be completely healed, and I will probably think of our first baby at least once every single day.  I'm waiting, probably not very patiently, on the Lord and His plan for my life. I want to be a mom, I want to hold a sweet baby in my arms and love him or her so much that I couldn't imagine life without them, because right now I'm having to experience that life without them, and it's awful. I can't bring myself to take down the only picture we have of our baby. It's sitting in the living room for everyone to see. It's our daily reminder of our loss and heartache, but I just can't take it down because it is also a reminder of the love and joy that sweet one brought to me and Jacob.

For now, I'm finding comfort in sweet words like these:

"These are my footprints, 

so perfect and so small. 

These tiny footprints 

never touched the ground at all. 

Not one tiny footprint, 

for now I have wings. 

These tiny footprints were meant 

for other things. 

You will hear my tiny footprints, 

in the patter of the rain. 

Gentle drops like angel's tears, 

of joy and not from pain. 

You will see my tiny footprints, 

in each butterflies' lazy dance. 

I'll let you know I'm with you, 

if you just give me the chance. 

You will see my tiny footprints, 

in the rustle of the leaves. 

I will whisper names into the wind, 

and call each one that grieves. 

Most of all, these tiny footprints, 

are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts. 

'Cause even though I'm gone now, 

We'll never truly part." 

~Unknown

I also just want to write a little note of thanks to my husband. 

Thank you for being amazing...

We have been through so much in the 9 years we have been together. I know that this is probably the hardest thing we have ever had to deal with. I am so lucky to have someone like you. You are stronger than you will ever know and if I didn't have you to lean on throughout all of this, I would have fallen apart. I don't how I could have made it through this without your love and support. You have grown into a wonderful man of God and you are going to make an amazing father.

Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on. Thank you for being there for me every second. Thank you for my being my rock and giving me hope for the future. Thank you for telling me that our sweet baby isn't hurting and is in the most incredible place ever, the arms of Jesus. Thank you for being strong for me and for us. Thank you for crying with me. Thank you for making me feel like the luckiest woman in this world. Thank you for being such a supportive husband. Thank you for being so amazing.

I love you more than you know… 

This love for my husband has grown so much over the past month. I feel like in this experience of a m/c I have learned to love deeper.  I know that God is really teaching me that through the trials and struggles that we go through in this life, He is always there and He loves us so much. I want to love with this love. Thank you God for showing us this great unconditional love, sending your son to die for us. We don't deserve it, but you give it anyway! 

Keep praying for us, we feel it, and we need it!